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No Tradebacks [Jan. 13th, 2008|01:16 pm]
[mood |Stable]
[music |Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You]

Some days, I feel as though I may just be crazy. And then I remember that I'm not, so it's all better!

The holidays were good, the family manages to survive while owing the whole world money it seems. It pains me to visit, and see the look on my parents faces when they tell me about the newest people who want to take even more from them. I feel so helpless about it, but, then again, the situation is out of my control, so I try to put it in the back of my mind. Who knows, maybe I can rob a bank or something. A last whirlwind of thievery and larceny, before I wind up in prison or dead, haha. But other then that, I have school, I have my friends, and I have the girl who passed out on my couch, because I wouldn't let her drive home drunk. Responsibility, you can be such a nuisance sometimes.
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To : [Dec. 10th, 2007|02:04 am]
[mood |It's mah birfday.]
[music |Juno Reactor - Pistolero]

Crack me a smile.
That sheepish little grin you carry with you,
never wavering, never vanishing.
Remind me why I exist.
Remind me why I'm human.
Remind me why i fell in love.
Here's to one more year.
Another year closer to dust,
and another smile to hold with me.
To remind me of everything.
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Rain slicks and smoke clouds [Nov. 25th, 2007|01:22 am]
[mood |Departure]
[music |Linkin Park - Shadow of the Day]

They wanted me to stay. I could see it in their eyes. I could see it in her eyes. But i couldn't. The hardest thing I've ever had to do, was say good-bye. And I'm not even finished doing that. I suppose it's a long standing testament to what i used to be. The "legend" that was the idiocy of my youth. A seemingly wasted venture into a not so vast unknown. And yet, I dwell so frequently on it, that it makes me feel like I'm never going to grow up. That I'll never move on. Tomorrow is another day. Another day to try to become more then what I was, to become something that doesn't spend so much time in lost in it's own thoughts.

I hated looking at those walls. To see where that couch used to be, where i spent so much time with you.
To remember what it was to feel close to someone, and to remember what is was like to have that stripped from me.
Why do i question everything I am, because of you, because of what you said, because of how you felt?
Why is it when you left, you decided to linger in every memory I have?
Is every relationship i have a waste?
Was it ever anything?
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My fruit filled precipice [Nov. 13th, 2007|02:20 pm]
[music |Dragonforce - Through the Fire and Flame, Tegan and Sara - Underwater]

I'm staring at this starburst, wondering why there is a "retro" flavor, and why it has to have a white wrapper. Disco Berry? It's interesting, the little things that throw me off into a tangent of thought and subsequent questioning of my environment. More over, is it that simple, to just eat the damned thing, and be content with the flavor, or spit it out in disgust, depending on the taste? Maybe i do think to much about things. Then again, maybe people dont think enough sometimes. it's a symbol of things, i swear it! Regardless, none of this changes the fact that not only have i been listening to one band lately on the whim and advice of a friend, but i've never actually listened to an entire CD before today. And, i'll be damned if i want to say to my kids "Yeah, the first CD I ever listened to start to finish was by Tegan and Sara." That's not to say the music is bad, but i mean, come ON. Wait a minute, HAH! this is the 2nd, as i recall now, through my own clouded memory, Nightfall in Middle Earth! Blind Guardian, you have saved me in more ways then one. 

It sounds childish, but, the fact that i cant ever get high and be stupid for an afternoon brings a damper to my spirits. Although, I do suppose
it's about time i grew up,  whatever that means.  By what definition were my actions childish? And to what extent were they not? It really was just a release, a derailing of my train of thought for a few hours, so i could laugh at nothing and smile about everything. But now, it seems, i can take that simple pleasure without needing such things. Maybe that's part of growing up, or that's what it is to me, at least. It's the 4 chapters worth of work, it's the 9 lab exercises i've put off until today, and probably wont even do. Until friday, when it's all due. That's the part of me that doesn't want to grow up. But it'll get done, because it has to be done. And then i'll lay in the grass, watch the clouds drift over, and smile, knowing that i can hold on to my childish delusions just a day longer.

Huh. Whadaya know, it did taste pretty good.
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You've been awarded a [Cascade Badge]! [Oct. 11th, 2007|02:31 am]
[music |Blue October - Calling You]

I hold nothing but the deepest contempt for practically everyone i come into contact with. Maybe it's the exposure to larger city living in such a confied area, or maybe, it's the endless stream of stupidity that flows and babbles form from these people's mouths.  Who knows. Aside from my own hatred of practically everyone, it's been a good time. Calm, quiet, and predictable. I recall a time when such a lax would have driven me insane, but, something keeps me sane. Maybe it's the changing of the seasons. Maybe it's that im not alone down here anymore. Maybe it's the fact that one visit with a good friend can keep me centered for months. So many choices!  On an upswing, i might go back to TC for the weekend. Might not. God, i hope so. I need to see something that's long departed from familiar. And i need to find love. Whether it be forever, or for the smallest moment, i need to feel that hesitation, to look at that threshold again, and storm through it, instead of falling back.

I only wanna see if you're ok when I'm not around,
askin if ya love me, i love the way you make it sound.
calling you to see, do i try to hard to make you smile?
to make a smile...?

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(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2007|01:19 am]
[Current Location |Riding the winds, smiling in my sleep.]
[mood |Floating]
[music |Switchfoot - Starts]

If anything could be said, it'd be that im getting antsy. Classes dont start for 2 more weeks, im going out out of my mind, straight up.
It leaves time to think, time to regress, and time to recollect on everything that's occured in my life.  And, none of it seems to bad, in the long run. I've fucked up about as much as the next person, and i try to reconsile myself to that, so that i may improve on it. But is that ever even good enough? How far to you hae to go to please someone who isn't happy with anything? How to you explain the concept of contentment to someone who cant even enjoy the breeze?  Hustle, bustle, go, go, gogogogogogogogogogogoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  That, is always, the saddest thing. To always feel like you have to be doing something. Because, god forbid you're forced to look inward. To examine what you are, what you believe, what you hold dear, what you love. What love even means. Is it the desire to be close ro someone, physically and emotionally, or is it the fear of being alone? Is it what drives you, or stops you in your tracks? Such silly questions. You might as well try to define what love isnt.

If only everything could be real. Honest. Enjoyable. Simple.
But where would the fun be in that? If i have to suffer, then wouldn't that make the good that much better?
I'll never forget what love is. I'll never lose sight of what i want, rather;
What i'm going to take.  And for now, that's a cool nights sleep on a hammock, with a clear sky and chilling breeze.
I might even need a blanket.
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Cascade of casualty [Aug. 13th, 2007|03:38 am]
[mood |Content]
[music |Gorillaz - El Manana]

I've become very content with my life. Everything is... complaciant, easy, and enjoyable.  And man, am i tired of feeling lonely. I'm not even emotionally lonely, just.. i hate not being near like minded people. But aside... everything is here.  Around you and i, watching the dance we all do.  And im so glad that i've discarded my regrets.  Somehow, life just doesnt seem as heavy now...
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ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? [Jun. 26th, 2007|12:09 am]
[mood |I'll admit it... alone.]
[music |Architecture in Helsinki - Do the Whirlwind]

Sometimes, i feel the only way I'm ever happy is if I'm the center of attention. And, how far from the truth can it be? I hate myself so much sometimes, mainly because I'm such an introvert, and can't relate any kind of emotion to anyone without feeling an immense amount of doubt about myself.  It's all very silly, the way i think. It's like I'm scraping for pity from myself, and... i can't explain why. And i suppose i'll always hold on to the fragile concept of myself, the fantasy I've built myself into.  It's pointless, screaming at yourself. All i can feel is contempt for myself. And, that's just fucking pathetic.
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(no subject) [Apr. 14th, 2007|12:44 pm]
[music |Outfield - Lose your Love]

nagging responsibilities cast away, i was FINALLY able to see my friends up home.  and it was grand, ill say. drunken stupors,  clouded hazy days, and some interesting conversations reminded me why i feel so alone down here.  but, then again... 
seeing the way my friends still think drinking and ass are the coolest things on this planet remind me of just how distant ive become to that which i used to love.  now, im not one claim that ive matured, because, i havent. just who i am. but, i feel like my friends actually regressed into this retarded version of themselves in highschool, which is basically them plus alcohol. that's not an attack on drinking either, im just saying... its a catyalist.  but, when i scope it all down, it was an awesome 2 weeks.  

hmm. not much else to say really. i miss having someone soft to be around, but, ill live. 
oh and....
http://www.myspace.com/168972676 .
finally did it.
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Woop!!! [Feb. 23rd, 2007|05:17 pm]
Im just happy, thats all.
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